The Day They Took My Heart Away
October 13, 2005: Our son is gone.
Those of you who have been reading my blog have shared my joy at the adoption of our new son. My partner, our other son, our families and neighbors welcomed the baby home with open arms and all the love in the world.
However, in any adoption, the birth mother has a period during which she can revoke her relinquishment of her parental rights. That’s what happened to us.
Although he was only with us for 18 days, we loved our new son more than words can say. We stayed up all night for his feedings, we clothed and bathed him, we talked to him, we played with him, and we spent ridiculous amounts of money on outfits that we knew he’d outgrow in a month. He was with us for only a short time as measured on a calendar, but in our hearts we had given him a lifetime’s worth of hopes and dreams. Oh, the life we were planning for him!
But all of that was taken from us when the telephone rang and the social worker said “I have some bad news for you.” At that moment, my life, my family’s life, was instantly and irrevocably shattered. A few hours later, the social worker arrived to take him away from us. Forever.
When I told my five-year old son the news, his eyes filled with tears and opened wide with incomprehension. “But why,” he asked me, “would (the birth mother) change her mind if she knew it would make us so terribly sad?”
Later, when it was time to pack up the baby’s things, Sasha wanted to draw a picture for the boy who had only his brother for such a short time. He drew his usual stick figure of the baby, and then carefully surrounded it with a red circle. “What’s the circle?” I asked.
“That’s a shield,” he said, “to protect him.”
Do I even have to tell you that it’s hard for me write this right now – not because of how emotional I feel, but because my eyes are filled with tears and I can barely see the screen?
I only wish I could draw a shield around all of our hearts like Sasha wanted to do for his baby brother. But life has a way of breaking through our best defenses. We plan, we hope, we work to make our dreams come true. But our dreams can be taken away.
We will go on. I know there are worse things that can happen, and I am grateful for every blessing we still enjoy. But right now, my heart is a gaping hole, and it feels like it will be a long time before it’s ever full again.
I share this with you because I write and podcast a lot about the joys of being a gay parent. But creating new kinds of families also entails new kinds of risk and pain. It’s not fair or nice or pretty or kind. But its life and we’re all in it together. In sharing our stories, we build a community, and we make it better for those who come after us. At least that’s my hope.
Thank you for letting me share my story with you. May G-d lift this weight from our hearts.
October 14th, 2005 at 9:52 am
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I just found your show yesterday and was very touched by your love for Sasha and your excitement over his first days at kindergarten. I am not a parent, but I would like to be someday, G-d willing, and if it happens for me I would be proud to be half as capable as you and Marty. Thank you for sharing your story. You have my deepest condolences, but also gratitude that you were able to give your infant son two weeks of glorious, full love.
October 14th, 2005 at 10:35 am
Leslie,
Thanks so much for these kind words. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write. I really appreciate it.
October 14th, 2005 at 1:16 pm
Scott,
My deepest sympathies to your and your family. I appreciate your podcasts and your opening up your family so we can meet them.
October 15th, 2005 at 12:58 am
Scott:
Our prayers are with you and your family during this time I have a touch of an idea of what you are going through because of the adoption disturptions my partner and I had prior to the adoption of our son. To get so close then to be so far away! Stay strong and know that G_d is still in control. Your family played and important role in launching a beautiful angel into the world!!!!
Peace and Blessings
October 15th, 2005 at 10:11 am
I was so distressed to read this entry. My heart is breaking for your family. I enjoy your podcast very much. My partner and I were just at Yom Kippur services at CBST and we were thinking about tzedakah. We always think of its meaning as “charity.” But it can also be thought of as “justice.” In this New Year it feels as though justice was not served in your family. I am trying hard to think of the justice in your loss. I hope you find peace in this difficult time.
All my best,
Sean
October 16th, 2005 at 5:32 am
My Dear Scott,
OMG, I hardly know what to say to you. I cannot imagine the deep pain you all must be feeling right now. I am so terribly sorry for you and your family, brave Sasha will be in my thoughts and prayers. It is unfortunate he has to experience such a tragic lose at such a young age, it must be so difficult for him to understand. My heart bleeds for him and for you and Marty!
I wish words could heal your broken hearts.
If there is anything I can do, ANYTHING, please let me know.
Always with Love for You,
Heidi
October 17th, 2005 at 1:50 pm
Dear Scott,
I am so sorry for your loss. This is such difficult news to share, but i think i speak for so many of us when i say that we are so grateful you are sharing it. I just recently lost my mother, so i can only imagine the grief of losing a child. Please know that what you are able to share with your listeners is such a gift - you are so positive and uplifting - and you really seem to know what the word “family” is all about. It is that strength and love that will lead you through this difficult time. My heart is with you all.
Lynn